Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Does your assumption about someone's gender change how you view their parenting advice (ridiculously long)?

I have been going back and forth on the ethics of this since I started this account, but in the last few days, most notably in the question about crushes on me and someone’s statement about how valuable my opinion is specifically because they see me as a dad, I’ve decided that my position has become indefensible.





I’m female. I’m a married mom of four kids. I used to post here as “mom as 4”. After being seriously harassed by a couple of creepy people, I started a new account with a male avatar (with a gender-neutral name) with the sole intention of ending the harassment. It worked beautifully; the harassment stopped. [Interestingly, my questions and answers, which previously were perceived as totally unremarkable, suddenly began to be showered with compliments. I could write an entire book on what I’ve learned about how people treat someone based on their perceived gender. ]





In my defense, such as it is, I’ve never once said I’m male. Never once. I’ve said explicitly on this board that I don’t reveal everything about myself online and that though I wouldn’t lie, I would and do allow other people’s misimpressions of me on here to stand uncorrected. I’ve never answered a single question directed towards dads or men, or to which I thought my gender was somehow relevant to evaluating my answer (and I’ve answered hundreds of questions directed towards moms and women).





Every single thing I’ve ever said in any question or answer is true; every opinion I’ve given is my own; every fact I’ve shared about my experiences with my kids is real; my exchanges with all of you, whether I like you or not, have all been utterly genuine. My face doesn’t match my avatar, but I am exactly what you’ve seen in all other ways. The avatar was never for a second intended to deceive real users, just to put off creepy trolls. I’ve kept my email off largely because I thought that developing that kind of personal relationship ethically required revealing my real gender. It was never my intention to seek out or make friends on this board at all; that has happened quite by accident. I honestly never expected to be particularly noticed on this board, and even if I were, I didn’t think my gender would be relevant. I’ve had dozens of conversations with real-life friends who assured me that my gender was irrelevant to my opinions and there was nothing wrong with using a male avatar on an anonymous site like this one; I’ve even had multiple exchanges with people on this board where virtually everyone said that they wouldn’t care about something like that. I allowed myself to be reassured by those exchanges, but at this point I’ve decided I should not have. I shouldn’t have done it, and I regret it.





So, there it is. I am “desmeran,” but desmeran is not a guy. I hope nobody cares. If you do care, you have my apology. And if you’re all sufficiently irked, or if the “boy who cried wolf” effect is strong enough that you find it hard to believe anything else I say, then I can acknowledge that I brought that on myself, and I suppose that will probably be a good impetus for me to finally go do something more productive with my day. If you want me to stay out of your questions, please make that clear by blocking me, and I will honor that.





Off to change my avatar and absorb some well-earned criticism.Does your assumption about someone's gender change how you view their parenting advice (ridiculously long)?
it is human nature to judge a book by it's cover. LOL, good experiment. Many of us coincide that a man could not possibly know how to parent as well as a more experienced mother. Your disadvantage in your experiment is the fact you/or someone else identified you as a lawyer. That made you smart in the eyes of the world, and no matter what your advice people would be more prone to listen to you, even if you appeared to be male.Does your assumption about someone's gender change how you view their parenting advice (ridiculously long)?
wow interesting. I think I remember you as mom of 4. I am shocked and while I sort of feel deceived, I totally understand why you did it and the outcome was interesting, I grew to love Des, but I'm pretty sure I loved you as mom of 4 as well.
i only thought you were male because of others calling you ';Uncle Des'; but I dont care if you are male, female of even something in between. you make me laugh, even if your kid does have smelly feet!!!!
Wow! Your still a cool person :)





Now I get why on your other answer, you said your avatar does not resemble you in the least ;)
Wow I'm speechless! Your still my fav though and I'll always greatly appreciate and value your opinion.
Whew! How does being ';out of the closet'; feel? I'm so proud of you!!! LOL
Wow amazing! I still love your questions and answers!
Rofl :-)





I thought you sounded familiar!





I've been suggesting to my husband that he come on here %26amp; flirt around a bit for fun, since the girls really seem to love a man who parents like him ;-)








ETA: You've made my day right now. How fun! I'm singing ';Did I ever tell you you're my hero'; in my head for you right now :-p








OK - and one more ETA, because I didn't answer your question... ';Does your assumption about someone's gender change how you view their parenting advice?';





Only in that it makes me stop to think, if the 'man' is presenting himself as a thoughtful, gentle, concerned, involved parent, ';Wow this is cool how the world is changing! And, this guy sure is strong, emotionally, to buck societal expectations %26amp; live in a way that he knows is right for him and for his family'; But, the advice itself has to stand on it's own merits.
i have never read any of your questions, except for this one. but i have seen your answers from some of my contacts, and i thought you were a guy to only because of the avatar. but man or woman, i don't care what you are. apparently im not on enough to catch one of your questions. :)
Well - I am newer to the boards than some, and not as new as most. I only came across this question because of the crush one... and then I thought someone had stolen your identity. I now know different.





I am of a position that I always looked forward to your answers because of the fact that you seem to have the rules and advice that I always want. The things I want to apply to my house and feel opposed by my spouse. I am not always strong enough to believe that the way I want things are the right way. I am getting there though and sometimes just need to be reaffirmed. For some, people like me, this is sometimes really important. YA gives advice, jokes, and a camaraderie that some of us don't have in real life.





I did look forward to the male perspective of it, but overall the answer is the important thing. I always wished you would accept friends, so maybe this is a blessing! lol... Thank you for your personality, and your candor, and I hope this doesn't effect your YA relationship too much!





Looking forward to many more answers (boosters) from you --- Schmee.
So you aren't that less-than-romantic guy I thought you were? ; )





Okay... Here's what I got out of this experiment (and I'm sure you are all too familiar w/ this)... I've made myself more cautious of how I word things..... You won't see me asking a question that is directed to the *moms* on this board. Lesson learned. That's it. : )





Nothing else has changed. I still view you as a parent that I admire and enjoy. Hey, at least now I can say I love desmeran and not feel awkward, lol. ...... And, you do know what this is going to do to Charli, right?
No criticism from me. You did what you had to do to fend of internet stalkers. You ever deliberately lied to anyone.
For the very short time that I have come to know you ..... about as far as last week, when everyone was calling me a troll, you stood out to me, but probably because you ';were'; a man. Besides Mr Wybie, you were the only man that answered my questions.


Your answers are always very good and like most others said, who cares male or female, inny or outy, no difference really when it came to your answers.


You truly seem like a very nice lady and its totally understandable why you did it too.
honestly I think people do make assumptions about gender when it comes to raising children,because in more cases than not a man doesn't really take care of his children,they see it as a mothers job not a fathers job.When people see a father taking an active role in their children's live they think WOW he is a good man,but if you are a mother taking an active role in your children's lives they see it as a duty that you are suppose to do...but yeah this is actually funny kind of like undercover research.
Well, I always assumed you were a man, based on your avatar, but that's not why I liked you. I like your opinions. You did seem sensitive (is that the word?) for a man, but also honest, rational and intelligent...and like a good parent, which is all that matters on here!
I'm surprised...but not offended.





I think I can explain the compliments though...your answers seem insightful and correct...and it was amazing that they'd be coming from a man...No offense to any dad's in the room. That was one of the reasons that I'd scroll down to see your answers...quite honestly.





That's not to say that men aren't excellent parents too or that they don't also have great advice...I just find that not only is that more true for women...but men also don't seem to communicate the same way.





So to have found an insightful male parent on an advice board, communicating articulately and insightfuly...that was amazing in and of itself...lol





In any case...I'm with Johnny's mom...I'm shocked, but not offended and will be thoroughly confused if you go and change your avatar and your name.





:)
Holy. Mary. Mother. Of. God.





Welps, now that the initial shock has warn off, I still value your opinion Ms. Des (or would you prefer Mrs. Des?).





I harbor no resentment or ill feelings towards you, now will you allow me to add you as a contact???





*Interesting to note that it does make Charli's whole fantasy about you dancing to Footloose in legwarmers just as funny!*
I admire your honesty , rather male or female. I think people did have more interst due to the fact it was coming from ';a male perspective';. Not that men don't have good parenting skills , they just usally don't talk about it as much.


You can still give us your insight, values views, and all the things that you did, but like the others have said it wont be as special, because it is expected more from moms.





You can still answer my questions, and I will still answer yours.





the thing that will confuse me more is having to look for your avatar and name lol
Desmeran, I love you, will you be my contact NOW? Lol. Nothing's changed but I will have to adjust my fantasies. Congrats on coming out.
WOW!!!!! I missed this earlier (although I saw and answered the question from Johnny's mommy). Yes, I am surprised and maybe the open minded me I thought I was needs and overhaul. The picture really did look male though and the name being ambiguous. Now I feel silly. You wrote a question about missing children once and I said you were thinking like a man;) We love ya no matter whether you're xy xx or yyy or yza:)
Wow.I have to admit I am shocked.But ether way I respect you as a parent and a person.I think you give great advice.I guess nothing really has changed you are still the same person.You are des or what ever your name is.I still respect your answers because they are good advice.
Your answers are what matters. They are good answers. I will hope that you continue to answer the questions I have with the same thoughtfulness. And I will answer yours the same. And I don't even know if you want my answers.
Wow, I'm shocked, I never would have guessed. But, NO my opinion still has not changed, we still ♥ you!
First, I will admit I didn't read ALL of it (I affectionately blame my ADD), but I am shocked. It's very interesting how it all panned out though. And to admit I had a ';crush'; on your intelligence is embarassing hahaha. You really had me fooled with your male avatar and your compassion and intelligence that a lot of men seem to lack (at least on this board). You stood out soley because of your male avatar and ';represented'; men in a positive way. I'm definately not angry, just shocked and suprised!
i am touched. i am taking you at complete face value. thats all i have. i commend you. i am in awe of you. i find you to be an excellent woman. i have always admired your views on equality and wondered how exactly a man could have so much insight into issues i deem ';woman'; ones, in my own mind, of course. i don't mean to be sexist w/that statement at all. it is just my own personal experience with the world around me.


des my dear you are a resource that this board needs very much. please do not go away because of this. it would be too sad.


you owe us not an explaination, but since you did, that is character that is uncommon. to shower you with more praise i feel would just make you uncomfortable, so i will just say - thank you for your honesty. :-)
Everyone has spoken pretty much what I would say ! You sound really sincere, but I don't think I can picture you as a mom lol :-) I've had two accounts before, and both I deleted because people were rude and permissive. You did answer some questions I asked in those accounts, and from then on I was a fan. You honestly changed my perspectives on men, and in hope that there are some really decent men %26amp; fathers out there who play active and vital roles in their children's lives.





You always were and are always gonna be deserman, the fabulous parent with good ethics and morals ::: but everyone on this broad just assumed you were a dude !!!
WTF? Didn't you see my *confession* Q yesterday?? You could've posted this there and saved 5 points!!





But I a shocked as well! I guess I tend to believe what people on here tell me, since I have no other way of knowing the truth.





I'm not mad or angry, you are who you are whether it's male or female. I still believe that your opinions are still the truth and that's all that matters.
I suspected, Desmeran, because you never referred to your 'wife' only your spouse!


i can be a pretty sharp marble, sometimes!


I did defend you once though, when someone posted a question about whether desmeran was a male or female.


But this new revelation does not make me want you to stay out of my questions~ not sure why it would. If anything, bring all your answers on!
Huh... Your answers always stuck out to me because my husband is a SAHD and is just as involved as you are (not always the case with husbands).





Either way, who cares IMO.
Don't care if your a man or woman. I do respect the way you have with words however and a lot of people listen to you. So keep up the good advice. Now the men haters are coming out. Thank you.
I take a few days off to deal with an asthma attack and we've got MAJOR developments. Interesting.





Well, congrats to you on your study in human behaviors towards the different sexes :)

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